Twisted Scrolls (Part Two)
by Sage A. Willow
Summary: Sheogorath has placed a poor unfortunate soul in a strange new world. Once the lone survivor of a demolition derby to the death, now the newest citizen of Skyrim, Ashlynn must now survive for two years by any means necessary. (Contains f**king curse words.)
1. Part 1 Summary

My name is Ashlynn. I am the latest winner of the Twisted Metal competition. After Calypso granted my wish, I thought that was the end of it. I thought I would go on with my life. I was wrong.

After Calypso shoved me out of the room the next morning, I thought I was back in the hallway in his tower. I wasn't. I was in a forest on a dirt path. I followed the path which led to a clearing with a table full of food and drink. There I met a strange man who turns out to be one of the true heads of Twisted Metal. He told me he is one of many. I didn't want to believe it. I wanted to believe that none of it was real. I snatched a bottle of alcohol from him and wanted to just drink until I blacked out. I wanted nothing but to pass out, then wake up back in my bed at home.

I didn't black out, but instead the man got violent. He pinned me down and said it was unwise to anger him. After he made his point, he was gone. Literally in the blink of an eye. The table was gone and a bed was in it place. Suddenly stricken with exhaustion, I fell asleep quickly.

* * *

I don't much want to discuss what happened the next morning, but since I don't want you to be left in the dark like I literally was for most of it, I will tell.

I woke up the next day blindfolded, gagged, and tied up. That's not the scary part for I could handle that. What I couldn't handle was the feeling of a sharp object running along my leg, up my back, over my shoulder, then slowly driven into my chest. I thought I was going to die.

Then the man from the day before showed up, said a few cross words to the other guy, and I was freed from my bindings.

I saw that I was in a dark, decrepit room and the man led to me outside to a shiny doorway in an equally decrepit courtyard.

I found myself back in the forest clearing.

* * *

The man explained everything. He explained the story behind Twisted Metal, how him and his colleagues got involved, and how one of them doesn't abide by the rules. He then says the only way he will allow me to go free was pretty much along the lines of me giving up my free will.

"Oh, Ashlynn. I never said you needed to give up your free will. All I asked was for me take up residency in your little mortal mind for a while." _Shut up!_ "Why, you haven't even mentioned my name yet. That hurts, Ashlynn. That really hurts." _Leave me alone!_ "Perhaps I'll introduce myself. Make a big entrance, like the way I made myself known in Vivec City all those years ago!"

Visions of a huge meteor flashes before my eyes. It's hurdling straight towards a city. _Stop! Sheogorath, no!_ The vision stops instantly. "There we are. Now how about we get this story moving along? If they really want to know what happened, they'll read part one themselves." _Fine._

"Oh, and to the readers... Part One is in the crossover section under **Elder Scrolls series** and **Twisted Metal**. It's a great read!" _It's also rated M. It's not of my proudest moments in life either._ "Oh, my dear little Ashlynn. Neither is this."


	2. A New Beginning

The mortal plane. Mundus. Nirn. Tamriel. Skyrim. Solitude. The blue palace. Pelagius wing. To the left. Up the stairs. Down the hall. On the floor.

He never said he would take me home. I realize that now. All he said was "mortal plane", not "home". _How could I have been so stupid to assume he would take me home? Fuck, Ashlynn. You fucking moron!_

"Don't be so hard on yourself, Ashlynn," I hear Sheogorath's voice echo in my mind. "If it makes you feel any better, I placed you in a fairly peaceful time in Tamriel – compared to everyone else before you."

"You've placed other souls here?" I ask angrily. "Did anyone go home after meeting you?"

"No," Sheogorath answers with a laugh. "But like I told you, your life now is different from the life you once had. Just accept it."

I sigh and look down at my clothes. An old-timey, medieval-ish wool dress. Dull blue and dingy white. Itchy too. A loose leather belt. At least I think it's a belt; I don't know what it is exactly. I also have large leather satchel with nothing but one thing inside it. In a hidden pocket of the satchel is my MP3 player. Sheogorath says he allowed me to keep it to remind me of home. He also said it has infinite battery life. _Yeah right. That can't possibly be true._

"I let you listen to a song and the battery is still at 100%," Sheogorath says. "It _will_ last. Give it time and you'll see that it is true."

"So where have you placed the others?" I ask him.

"Not just where, Ashlynn, but when," Sheogorath laughs. "This one young lad, Nathaniel as I recall, was placed in Vvardenfell. He contracted the Blight and didn't survive for long." _The Blight?_ "Don't worry, Ashlynn. For us, that was about 3 years ago. For the mortals of Tamriel, about 200."

"And where is he at now?" I ask.

"Well, since he only lived a couple days, not long enough for me to truly decide whether he's more manic or demented, I placed him in Split." He tells me. "Both his manic and demented sides live as two people, and sooner or later, maybe I'll decide which one is more prominent." He laughs and adds, "Or not! I may just leave him there!"

I stand up and look out the window, wondering how long _I_ might survive. Then I had a thought, _What's the longest someone managed to live this way?_

"The longest survivor lived about 16 months, almost a year and a half," Sheogorath answers my thought.

I smile. "Make mine 2 years," I turn and start heading towards the stairs. "I _will_ survive. I _will_ live."


	3. Ashlynn's Escort

As I head down the stairs towards the door, I hear Sheogorath laugh, "If you let me, Ashlynn, I can help you."

"I can use all the help I can get," I say.

"Then stop!" Sheogorath voice echoes loudly in my head right before I grab the doorknob.

"What?!" I say in contempt.

"I have someone coming to fetch you," he tells me. "Just wait for him."

"Last year's soul you've claimed?" I ask.

"Yes, Ashlynn," he tells me. "And he is _dying_ to meet you." _I don't like the emphasis he put on the word "dying"._

I hear voices from outside the door. A male with a wheezy voice and a constant cough and a female who sounds mildly annoyed. "Good afternoon, Erdi. How are you today?" "Oh, hello, Reynald. Actually just got over a mild sickness. Damned skeevers in the cellar again. You don't look too well yourself." "Don't worry about me, I'll be just fine by the end of the day." The door begins to open and a sickly looking man comes limping in.

"Sheogorath sent me for you," the man says in between wheezing coughs.

I turn up my nose at the sight of the guy. He's filthy; unkempt hair and his clothes are dingy and raggedy. _Ugh! And he smells too!_ "What's wrong with you?" I ask him, trying to sound concerned for him.

After a few more loud and painful sounding coughs, Reynald answers, "Witbane. Word of advice, if you see an Ice Wraith, run!" _Ice Wraith? What?_ He coughs a few more times and adds, "I'm here to escort you out of the palace and to Proudspire Manor." His coughing continues. "Sadly, you're on your own from there."

"So once I'm out of the building, I'm screwed." I complain, rolling my eyes.

Reynald coughs again. "No worries. I've left my home to you. I've already made all the arrangements with Falk two days ago. I expected you yesterday, but Sheogorath said you were being difficult."

"I wasn't being difficult!" I lash out. "I just wanted to go home after Calypso granted my wish!"

Reynald's eyes widened. "You won the competition?!" He wheezes in astonishment. "How?" He steps closer, "what was your strategy?" Reynald's sudden interest make me uneasy. _Gods! Get this guy away from me!_

Reynald suddenly straightens up, he's no longer coughing and wheezing, and his entire demeanor changes. "Oh, Ashlynn. Relax. Not everyone turns out like this guy. Consider yourself lucky to have an escort. He didn't have anyone when he arrived." It's Sheogorath speaking through him. _Will he ever do this to me?_ He laughs, "not until your will is broken, and sadly it doesn't seem like that'll happen anytime soon. Now if you two will stop wasting time, I'd like to have Ashlynn outside by sunset. Oh, wait. That already happened! Hurry it up!" Reynald collapses to the floor in a heap.

Although he's filthy and down right disgusting, I help Reynald to his feet. Without mentioning what just happened, I simply prompt, "We should get moving. Show me this house you told me about."


	4. New home! Bye, Reynald!

Reynald and I walk out of the door and are stopped by a guard. "You there!" He motions to me. "I've never seen you before. How did you gain access to the Pelagius Wing? Explain!"

Reynald's left hand starts glowing and casts the light on the guard. "Don't worry, she's with me." The guard simply shrugs and goes back to his post. _What did Reynald just do?_ Reynald, noticing the bewilderment on my face, whispers, "Calming spell." _Yeah, like_ _that_ _makes any sense._

We head out the door of the palace and I see a courtyard. Reynald leads me down a long stretch of road and my eyes soak in my surroundings. _This city is beautiful._ I was too focused on my anger towards Sheogorath, I never allowed myself to truly see the city from the windows in the palace. Reynald leads me towards the doorstep of a mansion and we step inside.

Inside, he slumps down in a chair breathing heavily. "This is your new home," Reynald wheezes. "As Sheogorath has instructed me, I instruct you to remember to sign the deed over to next year's soul he claims. At least, if he chooses to place him here."

"Actually, Ashlynn has opted to be selfish and keep this house to herself for two years." Both Reynald and I jump at Sheogorath's voice suddenly booming loudly in our own heads. "And I, being the ever so gracious God that I am, has decided to allow it."

Reynald, just looking up at the ceiling, bewildered, asks, "What? Why? How?" He looks at me and just repeats his question, "How?"

Sheogorath's voice echoes, "She asked what's the longest someone survived, then she decided to outlast that person. Like I said, selfish." _How am I the selfish one here?!_ Then silence.

Reynald turns to me and asks, "What did you say to convince him?"

I just shrugged and answered, "All I said was to make my time two years. I didn't think he'd take that seriously."

Reynald just slumps back in his chair and sighs. Then he casually asks me, "So how _did_ you win the competition?"

I sit down and lean back in the chair. "I made an ally," I tell him. "I knew I wouldn't have won if I just went at it alone. So I convinced Kingsley, this naive, old man – no offense – that my wish was to end the competition for good."

"Others have already tried that, y'know," Reynald interrupts.

"I know. I lied to him," I continue. "He thought my wish was more noble than his and I didn't want him to know my true intentions were much more impure and... selfish. In the last arena, it was just me and him. I faked my car stalling on a trap. Kingsley came and pushed my car out of the way just as the trap ignited his car into flames." I pause as I sit there remembering the look of agonizing pain on his face as he died, and I shudder at the thought. "He died thinking it was for a noble cause..."

Reynald suddenly pipes in yelling, "That's why Sheogorath chose you! You played mind games with the guy!"

"It wasn't worth it..." I mumble gravely. "His wish was to have his son back... And his granddaughter." "Don't worry about them, Ashlynn," Sheogorath whispers in the back of my mind. "I'm sure their souls are just fine in whatever afterlife they believed in." _That's not the point!_ I think to Sheogorath angrily.

Sheogorath's voice echoes again, "Well I do believe it's Reynald's time to return to the Isles. I've made sure to have a nice little house waiting for you in Fellmoor." Reynald sighs wistfully and heads to the door. I get up and was about to see him out the door, but Reynald just silently motions for me to stay there. I sit back down, but continue to watch until the door is closed behind him. "It's best that you don't get involved," Sheogorath says in my mind. But curiosity gets to me and I head to the window.

I see Reynald stand there in the middle of the road, looking dejected. A guard approaches him and... Reynald pulls out a dagger and attacks the guard. I run to the door to get outside and try to stop Reynald, but the door won't budge. "I said not to get involved!" Sheogorath scolds. "He's going to be killed!" I yell into the empty air.

I run back to the window and see Reynald still putting up a good fight. Thing time he seems to be shooting icicles from his hands. _How is_ _that_ _even possible?_ A guard comes at him with a sword and deals a killing blow. Reynald's body falls lifelessly to the ground.

"No!" I yell, running back to the door. Now the door opens and I run over to Reynald's body. "Why did this happen?" I ask to no one.

"Everyone dies a dramatic death," Sheogorath echoes. "At least _my_ everyone does."

"Is this how I'm going to die?" I mutter questioningly.

Sheogorath laughs maliciously, then answers, "I'll be gracious enough to make yours quick and painless." _Why do I not believe that?_ "Now, go. Go. Socialize. Talk to those fine people. And then..."

"Ma'am," I suddenly realize someone is standing next to me. "My apologies, but I ask you to please step away from the body."

I step aside and they kneel down by the body. It's a woman in a robe of sorts. They turn to me and ask, "Did you know him?"

"I, um," I didn't know what to tell this person. So I lie, "He's my uncle. I heard he was ill, so I came to see him."

"You seem to be only aware of his physical ailments," the woman tells me. "His mind was addled, but he was a recluse for the most part. He's never been violent before." _Yeah, I'm aware that he was a mad man._

Finally I ask her, "Who are you?"

"My name is Rene Lennec," the woman answers. "I am a Priestess of Arkay. My mentor Styrr sent me out here to see if I get some help bring the poor man's body to the Hall of the Dead." _You lost me at Rene._

"Okay..." I just nod and try to look like I understand. I then glance around and say, "Maybe I can find a guard or someone?"

"I forgot the cart!" Rene cries out. She then runs down a side street and around the corner. I follow, still offering to help.

I find her by a cemetery with a cart, trying to yoke what looks like a yak onto it. I lend her a hand and we take the cart over to the where Reynald's body was lying. Only to find that it's gone without a trace.

"Oh, wow!" Rene sounds elated. "I never thought I'd witness this for myself!"

Confused I ask her, "Witness what? Someone stealing a dead body?"

Rene turns to me excitedly and says, "No, I've read about this happening throughout history. Mad Bretons dying violent deaths, and then when no one's around, all traces of the body just disappears. Poof!"

"What?" I'm now even more confused. "You mean crazy Frenchmen?"

"Frenchmen?" Rene says, now equally confused as I am. Then she just shrugs and adds, "As a fellow Breton, I'd have thought you knew." _What is she talking about, Sheogorath?_

I just shrug and answer, "History isn't my favorite subject, so I guess it just slipped my mind."

Rene just nods in acknowledgment and finally says, "I should get back to Styrr. He'll need to know about this." "And Ashlynn will need to know a bit more too before she's sent out into the world," Sheogorath whispers, as if directly in my ear.

Rene and I wave farewell to one another and I head back into Proudspire manor, my new home.


	5. The end?

It's been a couple of months since Sheogorath has placed me in Skyrim. I haven't really been keeping track on how long it's been. In that time though I've learned a few basics. There are three basic races, each with sub-races. The humans: Nords, Imperials, Redguards, and Bretons. The elves: Altmer, Bosmer, Dunmer, and Orsimer. And the man-beasts: Argonians and Khajiit. Sheogorath always makes the Earth-souls Breton because they are the human race most naturally adept in magic. Speaking of magic, I didn't want to believe it at first, but that's a thing here. Real magic.

I also witnessed a beheading the other day. Turns out before I arrived, some guy named Ulfric came to the city and killed the high king. They beheaded the gatekeeper, Roggvir. They say he let Ulfric escape. If that calls for an execution, then I'd better watch what I do.

I've recently heard the townsfolk speak of dragons returning to Skyrim after eras of being gone and tales of this living legend they call Dragonborn, a man who can absorb a dragon's soul after killing it.

Because of all the dangers I've heard about out in the wilds, I haven't left Solitude yet. Sheogorath keeps pushing me too do so, but I don't think I ever will.

* * *

As I climb into bed for the night, I sleepily ask Sheogorath out loud, "How long have I survived so far?"

"In mortal time, about 8 months," Sheogorath answers. "But is it really surviving if you have yet to leave the city?"

"There are fucking dragons out there," I complain. "Do you honestly expect me to go _anywhere_ with those things around?"

"Yes." There was no delay to his answer and no further explanation beyond that.

"I'd rather stay alive," I huff. As close my eyes, I mutter in contempt, "I'm not leaving the city and no amount of madness will make me."

For a moment, there was silence; sweet, tranquil silence. Then Sheogorath's booming voice echoes as he yells angrily, "Fine! Believe that tonight! But come morning, you will see where madness can truly take you!" I lie there shaking, my eyes now wide open and rarely blinking for hours. _What did he mean by that?_ I fear the answer to that question.

I notice the first sunlight of the day peering through the window. I close my eyes and let out a long sigh of bitter relief. But when I open my eyes, I notice I am in a different place. I am in a musty room full of bookshelves, many fallen over.

In panic, I jump out of bed and run through the maze of shelves in hopes of finding an exit. I find a tunnel dug out from the wall and I follow it, it's path twisting and turning ever downward.

I finally found the end of the tunnel, but it's a dead end. There is an altar of sorts there, and on the altar is a mace. It's black with a dark red glow to it. Feeling oddly compelled, I reach for it.

The moment I touch the mace, thick barbed spikes quickly rise up from the floor, impaling me on one of them. I'm rapidly losing a lot of blood. Many of my vital organs have been lacerated. My vision fades to black and I draw my last breath. My time in Skyrim has drawn to an end.


	6. Ashlynn's Determination

I immediately sit up in bed in a cold sweat gasping for breath. I look around and see that I am still at home in my room. I lay back down saying, "Thank the gods it was just a nightmare."

"Actually, Ashlynn," Sheogorath says in a condescending tone, "you just experienced one of the more powerful things I can do."

"What? You mean to tell me that happened?" I begin to panic. "I actually died? I'm dead?! No! It hasn't been two years yet! I can't be dead!"

"Silence!" Sheogorath voice echoes. "You have died, but now you live again. Think of yourself like that one boy from that one show on Earth. Damn! I cannot recall the specifics! He dies over and over and over again, but then he wakes up back in his bed."

I shake my head in dismay, "You turned me into another fucking Kenny!"

"Dean! His name was Dean!" Sheogorath shouts excitedly. "But I guess Kenny is more correct, since it is the next day and not the same one." _Dean?_ Now I'm confused. "Yes, Dean. He keeps dying and later in the episode it's revealed that the Trickster did it."

I groan in disbelief. I just experienced a gruesome death and all Sheogorath can talk about is Supernatural. I sigh and decide to make the most of my new chance at life. I get out of bed and change into the leather outfit on the mannequin in the other room.

"Oh, I thought you'd never put that armor on," Sheogorath says curiously. "What's the occasion?"

"Where did you place me right before I died?" I ask.

"Is that determination I sense in you?" Sheogorath says. "I like it. It fits you." He then tells me, "Markarth. Are you heading that way?"

"I am," I answer as I grab my bag and head for the front door. "I think I'm ready to leave the city."

"You haven't listened to your music in a while," Sheogorath states. "Why not pull your MP3 player out and listen to some of your tunes? It may make your journey a little easier." I shrug. He's right. It has been awhile and music can make it better. I put the earbuds in and the music begins to play...

* * *

 _"Once I rose above the noise and confusion. Just to get a glimpse beyond this illusion. I was soaring ever higher, but I flew too high. Though my eyes could see, I still was a blind man. Though my mind could think, I still was a madman. I hear those voices when I'm dreaming. I can hear them say..."_


	7. Mystery Spot

I wake up in my bed. _Wait? This isn't right._ "What happened?" I ask Sheogorath. "I was on my way to Markarth by carriage, and now I'm back home."

Sheogorath laughs, "a dragon went by and spooked the horse pulling the carriage."

I begin to remember yesterday. The carriage was on a road along a cliff and a dragon flew past us roaring. The horse freaked and sent us tumbling down the mountain. I remember the agonizing pain I was in as I died.

"Don't you worry. Everything is fine," Sheogorath reassures me. "The horse and driver are fine too. They have no memory of yesterday."

"But I do!" I yell angrily. "I remember it all!"

"Go try again," Sheogorath says calmly. "I assure you that you will see Markarth again before the day is out."

The carriage ride is going smoothly. I've been talking to the carriage driver the whole way. Sheogorath was right, he doesn't remember the incident the day before.

We turn a corner and the driver points out the thing in the distance. "That stone structure in the mountainside ahead is Markarth," He tells me. "It's beautiful, awe-inspiring and frightening all at once, isn't it?"

I look and see the city. He's right; it is. We pull up and I pay him for the ride. I approach the city gates and the guards open them up. But the moment I step inside the city, I hear a man yell "Markarth belongs to the Forsworn!" He stabs a woman then me as he tries to escape the city. I stagger against the wall, blood pouring from the wound. I then blackout.

* * *

I wake back up in my bed. "What the fuck?!" I yell angrily. I jump out of bed, determined to try again.

The carriage ride was smooth and I arrived to Markarth safely. After not having any luck finding what I was looking for, I simply explore the city. I reach the doors of the Temple of Dibella and look out into the distance. The view is mesmerizing. After soaking in the view, I turn to leave and misstep. I slip and fall off the edge, plummeting to the ground below.

* * *

Back in bed, I decide to stay within the hold. I go down to the docks and to ease my pent-up tension, I go for a swim. It's cold, but bearable. Beginning to enjoy myself, I swim across to the other side, but get attacked by two horkers.

* * *

The next day, I try again but steer clear of the horkers. Before I even reach the other side and I get swarmed by a school of slaughterfish.

* * *

I stay on the Solitude side and sit on the bank. My mind wanders and during my absentmindedness, mudcrabs attack me.

* * *

I try to find solace at the Temple of the Eight. I walk through the guard training area and hear someone boasting that he can shoot down a hawk with an arrow. I stick around to see what happens. He aims upward and fires. A gust of wind blows through causing the arrow to miss and go flying out of sight. Disappointed, I shrug and continue heading for the temple. The man yells "Heads up! Look out!" I turn and the arrow sticks me in the knee.

* * *

"Screw Solitude! I'm going to Morthal!" I yell angrily. Since it's so close, I decide to walk.

An Argonian stops me by the road on the way there. "Give me all your valuables or I'll gut you like a fish!" I decline by shoving him to the ground and running. He catches up and kills me.

* * *

I try the walk to Morthal again; this time packing an enchanted dagger with me. If that Argonian is still there, he'll be slowed down and frosted!

I see Morthal from the road and decide to take a shortcut through the swamp. Suddenly, I feel cold and I begin to move slower. _Did I accidentally prick myself with my dagger?_

I fall to my knees and out of the corner of my eye, I see a big spider heading my way. Too weak to flee, I succumb to the spider's wrath.

* * *

I take a carriage to Falkreath and explore the area around that city. In the forest, I encounter a small groups of odd looking rabbits. _Why are they glowing green?_ Just as I finish my thought, they attack me.

* * *

Back in the wilds of Falkreath, my curiosity gets to me. _Why were the rabbits glowing? Why did they attack me?_ After being unable to find them again I decide to turn back, only to be attacked by three glowing foxes.

* * *

I am determined to find out what is up with these usually docile creatures near Falkreath. This time I find a buck, normal and minding it's own business. As I slowly approach it, a green light flashes towards it and it turns to run at me. I get impaled on its antlers.

* * *

Seriously, I _will_ know what's up with these animals.

I arrive once more in the Falkreath wilds. Now no animals to be seen. I stand there, in utter confusion. Then, buzzing. Loud buzzing. I turn around and I get enveloped in a green mist. I fall to my knees and within the blinding mist, I see what looks like three humanoids made of wood. One hits me with it's poisoned tipped claws and I die again.

* * *

Realizing that some better armor might help me, I head to the fetcher in Solitude. I walk in...and trip into the forge.

* * *

I decide to try a different approach. I go to buy some spell books from the court wizard and test them outside the city. The spells backfire.

* * *

Wanting to get far out of Solitude, I take a carriage to the hold furthest away: Riften. I arrive late at night and the guard at the gate says I must pay a "visitor's tax", so I pay and head inside. I heard there's a pub in the so called "Ratway", so out of curiosity I check it out. I slip on the wet wood and fall into the water, hitting my head on the walkway before going under.

* * *

I go back to Riften and get attacked by a cold black dog-like creature upon arrival. Sheogorath says their Deathhounds and that they remind him of the skinned hounds in the Isles.

* * *

Back in Riften, I make sure there are no Deathhounds. Instead I get attacked by a vampire.

* * *

Not wanting to pay the pathetic "visitor's tax" again, I angrily attack the guard instead.

* * *

I decide carriages are too slow and walking is too dangerous, so I head to the stables outside Solitude to buy a horse. I kick a chicken out of my way. _Who knew that assaulting a chicken was punishable by death?_

* * *

In too much of a hurry, I just steal a horse from the stable. The stableman yanks me off the horse and attacks me.

* * *

I wake up and angrily flail around in bed, knocking down the weapons display on the wall above the headboard.

* * *

A year goes by and I've died by wolves, skeevers, bears, sabre cats, bandits, trolls, giants, mammoths, ice wraiths, wisps, wispmothers, falmer, chauruses, four dwemer automatons, werewolves, hagravens, draugr, six diseases, three atronachs, dremoras, necromancers, dragons, and more.

* * *

One morning, I wake up and finally just decide to stay in bed. If I leave, I die. If I move, I die. If I stay completely motionless, I might have a chance.

Sheogorath speaks up, sounding perky as ever, "I just realized something, Ashlynn. Guess how long you've been in Skyrim." _No._ "Don't be like that. Go on, guess." _I don't care._ "You will when you find out." _I doubt it._ "Alright. I will tell you." _Fine. You do that._ "It's been eighteen months, Ashlynn. You've got just half a year left to go." _That's cool, I guess._ I'm too depressed knowing I've wasted all this time dying hundreds of deaths.

Sheogorath's tone changes, now a bit more serious, "I think you've earned a reward, Ashlynn. Go to the Pelagius Wing in the palace. It's already waiting for you there." _And die again? No, thank you._ "I'll make sure you live. Don't you worry." I sigh, climb out of bed, and get ready for the new day.


	8. Survival Prize

I haven't been in the Blue Palace since my arrival in Skyrim, but here I am.

"Hey, I know you," I hear a woman say. I sigh and think, _Gods. I don't have a bounty, do I?_ I turn and see a young woman approach me. "I've seen you around town." It was Erdi, one of the palace servants. "How's Reynald been? I haven't seen him in a while."

I tense up. I haven't thought much of Reynald since his death the day I arrived. "He- he's dead," I tell her with my head down.

"Oh, I'm so sorry," she says. "Witbane has taken many lives too shortly." I remember that he had a disease when we met, but I also remember that isn't how he died. Thankfully she doesn't say anything more as she heads towards the kitchen. I just shrug and turn towards the Pelagius Wing.

The Pelagius Wing is still musty and dirty as ever. _Why won't they clean this place?_ "The mortals say it might be cursed," Sheogorath answers. "Maybe it is. Maybe it isn't. That doesn't matter. Your reward is upstairs."

I head up the stairs and down the hall. The one item that is pristine and spotless is lying on the floor. "So my reward is a decorative walking stick?" I ask as I pick it up and examine it. There are three faces carved on the end, their open mouths are hollow.

"'A decorative walking stick?!'" Sheogorath shouts, sounding as if it's echoing around the room. "If you think for a second you're going to use the Wabbajack as a mere walking stick, Ashlynn, you are gravely mistaken!"

"The what-a-what?" I ask as I lace my fingers through the hollow mouths and point it towards the wall. "So, I'm guessing it's a staff then?"

"Yes," Sheogorath answers. "And your holding it wrong."

"Fine," I take my fingers out of the hollows and grip the faces. "Is this better?"

Sheogorath just groans and says, "the _other_ end, Ashlynn."

"So it's like what the Dragonborn has, with the Sanguine Rose," I reply. "Decorative end is the end you point."

"Sanguine's rose is pathetic compared to my Wabbajack," Sheogorath replies. "Besides, what his Rose does has nothing to do with him. The Wabbajack on the other hand. Oh, the Wabbajack is fun!"

I snort and say, "So the What-ajack also has nothing to do with you."

"If that's what you think, Ashlynn," Sheogorath says as the Wabbajack begins to change into another staff, "I can always give you the a different staff instead."

I see four red creatures that look like small, upright falmer with tails begin to slowly materialize. The odor wafting from them is nauseating.

"I'll take the first one, please," I say, trying not to vomit from the stench.

"No one ever seems to want the Everscamp," Sheogorath sighs. The creatures disappear and the Wabbajack is back in my hand. "Maybe I'll place it in Cyrodiil during the Oblivion Crisis. Now that would be entertaining!"

I hold the Wabbajack the way it's meant to be and point it at a plate on the table. I try to focus my energy and the tip of the Wabbajack begins to faintly glow. As I'm about to fire, Sheogorath speaks up causing me to misfire and hit the shelf across from the table. _Gods dammit!_ "It only works on living things, or unliving. If they are able to move on their own volition, you can use the Wabbajack on them. Tableware, not so much."

"I only wanted to see what it does," I mutter angrily.

"And again," Sheogorath explains, "tableware is not a good test subject. Go play with it outside. Go on. Scoot!" I roll my eyes and head out of the palace without another word.


	9. She's going, um

With the Wabbajack in hand, I head outside the city gates. "Perhaps we should find a random stranger to test it on," Sheogorath says in his usual chipper tone. "The Wabbajack thirsts for chaos. As do I." I carry on towards Morthal. Perhaps I'll find a spider to zap.

I spy a small pack of wolves on the way. Wabbajack ready, I fire at one of them. A faint red orb is shot at it and when it hits, a fiery explosion kills it and the other two wolves.

"Holy shit," I mutter, wide-eyed. Sheogorath just harrumphs. "What? Your own Wubbajack doesn't impress you?"

"Wabbajack, Ashlynn," Sheogorath says. "Wab-ba-jack."

"Whatever." I just shrug and venture into the swampland of Morthal. There's a mage fighting a couple bandits...no, scratch that. A necromancer fighting one bandit.

"Hmmm..." I point the Wabbajack at the necromancer. The faint red orb hits and... they transform into a mudcrab. The bandit attacked the mudcrab, laughing about how this is going to be too easy now. Another red orb from the Wabbajack hits the bandit and he turns into a chicken. The mudcrab changes back in to the necromancer, who is furious. I back way behind a tree.

"Oh, fuck!" I yell as I stumble backwards into the swamp water. The necromancer finds me.

"You're first death will be quick!" they yell angrily. I smile at them as I shoot them with the Wabbajack once more and they burst into a fountain of coins. I pocket a handful of the gold and flee deeper into the swamp.

* * *

"What _is_ this thing?" I ask aloud, my eyes scanning over the Wabbajack with a great feeling of elation.

"It's the Wabbajack, Ashlynn," Sheogorath answers. "Aside from my own staff of office, it's my favorite. I'm also rather fond of Forky."

"I can see why you like it so much," I say with a slow-growing smile.

"It _is_ pretty amazing, isn't it?" Sheogorath says. I can almost see his crafty grin in those words.

I answer by continuing to look for new targets. "Bingo," I murmur with a mischievous smile as I catch sight of a lone frostbite spider. An orb from the Wabbajack hits it and it stiffens as a paralyze spell sets in. I pull my dagger out and approach it. I grin widely as I sever a few limbs from its body. The paralysis spell has worn off and the spider tries to swipe at me with one of its remaining legs. It makes a sound like it's in pain as I laugh slicing it off. My laughter grows in intensity as I cut off another of the spider's limbs.

The spider continues in vain to fight back with its one remaining limb. "It looks like you're on your last leg there," I laugh through my manic grin. "But don't worry," I pull the Wabbajack back out and say, "this won't hurt me a bit." Another red orb hits the spider and it transforms into a sweetroll. "That reminds me. I haven't had breakfast yet." No sweetroll has ever tasted better.

Wabbajack in hand, I gleefully skip home to the tempo of the song on my MP3 Player: nyan cat.


End file.
